Sunday, October 18, 2009

Are these feelings normal?

Ok, confession time. Coming back from any great vacation is hard, the drag of reality, work and responsibility. It's always a little hard for me. It was interesting too on the 'baby' front. The vacation seemed to take us away from real life and thus from our plans for becoming dads.

When we got back, I had to stop myself and think...WHAT ARE WE DOING? Like, having a baby in India?!? At what cost? The travel and inconvenience, and all of this BEFORE we even get the little one in our arms. It gave me pause, wondering if, given all the road blocks, we really needed this. If I really want this. It seems like so much work.

And then I come back and settle back into life. I slowly start reading 'my' blog list, hearing about all the others that are going through what we are trying to do, and feeling the love and disappointment and excitement and anticipation of all the entries. It got me feeling again, and brought my head back into the space where I was before we left.

Yes, I do want this. I want to hear the pitter pat of little feet in our house, I want to hold and mold a little life in my arms. Bigger picture.

But, it was interesting. This whole process is so SO different than what most couple's experience. It's like you are constantly questioning. Why you ask?

1. Because you can. It's not like one of us is pregnant and like it or not we're going to have a little one here in 9 mos. We've got ALOT of steps to take before we get anywhere near that point.

2. Because it's NOT an easy process. The cost and inconvenience, the questions it brings up in me, about me, Matt, us, and yes then even arguments.

I was running downstairs and Matt I were having a discussion, and it just hit me, Oh F--- I wish one of us was just pregnant right now! That, being pregnant, would at least eliminate some of the indecision, decisions and other stuff that make an already difficult process, harder. Me in you, you in me, together we'll be as happy as can be, or at least we're going to make the best of it cause the decision part is already made.

Our girlfriend Cheryl thinks it's great that we are going through all this. That it will at least totally inform us about what we are about the take on, and truly confirm that it's what we want. And in a way I guess she's right but it can still be a drag at times.

Does anyone else out there in Blogland ever feel this way? Especially you that have been/are going through surrogacy or adoption or some other alternative way of having children. These feelings are ok, right? We want kids, and I guess it's about keeping our eyes on the goal.


  1. I am amazed when I read this post! We went through the exact same emotions and questions as you guys are now. We finally came to the decision to have a family, started the ball rolling and then.....what are we doing? Is this really what we want. We have had 12 years of just the two of us, selfish and able to do whatever we want whenever we want.

    We finally agreed to think about what was important in our lives and what we wanted from our life together. We had some time to think about all these things and then went out to dinner to discuss what we both thought....Obviously we came to the decison that this is definitely what we want and couldn't be happier.

    This is very daunting and I agree it's not like one of us are pregnant and we are experiencing a child growing and rubbing a pregnant belly. I believe that what you are going through is completely normal & hey, if only more couples give as much thought to having children as we have to!

  2. I completely agree with Johnny and Darren. I think this is completely normal. I think its tough being so physically far removed from the actual pregnancy and there's the unknown of how big the impact will be on life in general (though i think this is universal no matter how the baby happens). its a huge investment emotionally( and on multiple levels) so i think pause is good and completely natural! but its good that we all have each other to work through the kinks and snags.

  3. Yes, we all think this. I have tried so hard to not want to be a mother, I wanted to quit so many times, in my darkest moments I question my ability to parent well. It is all rubbish.

    From what i know of women who get pregnant with themselves, under the best of circumstances, they also have similar thoughts coursing through their brains.

    Pregnancy and bringing a baby into your lives - anyone's lives - is up there with the most stressful things a person can ever face in life.

    Add to that the fact we are doing it in a rather unorthodox way, in a foreign country ... it's enough to blow one's stress neurons into outer space.

    Hang out with your online friends, protect yourselves as much as you can, and always reach out for support.

    This works for others, it will work for you too.


  4. it is so good to see someone else posting this- and read the comments above. I have been there. I question- second guess - try to get Mic to talk to me about her feelings... in the same crazy raw way I talk about mine.

    If I got pregnant there would be no guessing, waiting, hoping, wanting... there would just BE.

    I go on this weekly (or hourly) ride of.. is this REALLY what we should be doing? Foster to adopt? There are so many what-if's. I can't carry a baby right now- maybe that is the universes way of telling me to back off. I keep getting headaches.. maybe we haven't had a child yet because of my impending brain tumor.. (I am insane, btw)

    Then I sit back and imagine a baby here. And it seems so natural.

    So- we have to go through some un-natural ways of making that happen. That builds character.

    hang in there. you will be great dads. you have already opened your heart to the idea.. it would be hard to just forget that you did that.

  5. You guys are so right! We thought the same thing. Everyone around us thought we were crazy! However, All the emotions have paid off. It really has been a soul searching experience for us. You guys are going to be great dad's. I have been keeping up with your blog. This was the biggest thing Rob and I had to go through. I am sure there will be harder things to come. We both are very scared that we won't know what to do with a baby. Everyone says "It will come natural" I sure hope so. You two will be fine. We all go through these moments of not knowing. It really is a wonderful gift. Who would have thought that you can be gay and be a parent?? We are both very happy for you guys.

  6. Ditto what everyone said above. Bill and I have been going through this baby conversation since 2006. On again, off again until finally I backed off, since I was the one pushing the most. Eventually Bill came to me with surrogacy in India and I knew at that time that it was the right thing to do. This is a partnership, though an extremely stressful one being done in a third world country...but, in the end, you do it because you both agree to do it. Come join us, guys! ;-)
    -D and B