Sometimes my family frustrates me. My parents are 67 (Mom) and 69 (Dad) and are the type of couple that met when they were 19, got married, had kids and a successful life. Sometimes I think they think they have the ONLY equation to a happy life. I love them to death and they have come such a long way when it comes to me and my 'lifestyle' but sometimes the old ways just come out.
So...in a conversation with my Dad yesterday I was giving him an update (on what must seem like a process out of Star Trek to him) on our journey, and he's very supportive. Then he says to me;
"I just hope they give you some kind of course to prepare you."
Well the first thing I think is "Who the hell are THEY". The clinic in Mumbai? The Egg Donor? People who already have children?
I calm myself down and ask him what he means.
"I just hope you guys are ready for a baby. It's not like getting married, which is fun, it's alot of work and responsibility."
"Ya, Dad. Of course, but who's ever ready, right?"
"I just think two women would be better suited to have kids, cause you know us men. You and Matt wouldn't be able to take off for three days or four days like you do now you know? Isn't there a course they offer so you know what you're getting into?"
And at this point while I understand he's just being a concerned father, I ask myself "really who is ever prepared?" I mean fudge (not the real word I want to use) if I'm not ready at 40, preparing to embark on this huge and expensive undertaking on the other side of the world then something is wrong. And to be frank if anyone knew exactly what they were getting into, who'd ever have children? Anyhoo, I calmed down and tried to go back to understanding where it was coming from.
But you know, you really only want to hear positive stuff, encouraging stuff, upbuilding stuff from your parents, not doubt which can have it's way of creeping inside your head. And yes, maybe this goes to a deeper issue of often being made to feel like different, outside the norm, not ready, not able, not supposed to be allowed into whatever clique or lifestyle choice you want, but when it happens, especially by the ones you love the most, it still sucks!
Having said all that, I did understand where he was coming from and took it all with a grain of salt. And then on my way to the mall later that day I noticed a sign that made me laugh, and I decided to share it with you all.
"Eggspectation" is a breakfast chain here in Canada. And nothing is going to deter us from doing everything in our power to make our little family grow. I can't wait!
PS Thanks all the comments and advice guys! One thing, can someone enlighten me on how to email bloggers directly? I am sure this is obvious but it eludes me.
I imagine a lot of this comes from ignorance or just not being exposed to this type of thing. This could be a great opportunity to educate your father, your family, the world. :-) The first person I called when I knew we were taking this journey was a friend who carried her brother and sister-in-law's child because her SIL could not conceive. She said the hardest thing was dealing with her family and their quick judgements and commentary when she told them what she was doing. One thing that she did say, though, was that once the child was born, everyone forgot about all the previous garbage and just loved the child. I've actually likened this whole experience to coming out all over again...everyone has their reactions and then they get over it. Good luck with everything...
ReplyDeleteAw, your dad is just being a concerned dad. he's probably very proud you are undertaking this journey and feeling like it is something he couldn't do.
ReplyDeleteSome of the blogs have email addresses in the profiles, but not all. If they don't, you can leave a comment with your email addy and ask for a blogger to contact you.
I think most people's gut reaction when they are confronted with a situation involving a baby born by unconventional means - for example, to a gay parent or to a bunch of underage teenagers - is to become protective of the child so as to compensate for the parent's perceived "lapses" in judgement and shortcomings as potential parents. That's probably where your father is coming from. We have encountered the same phenomenon to an xtent with our own families and the twins. But the reality is since they have arrived they have been smothered with love and acceptance from family, friends and co-workers and are treated like any other newborns. But our relationship with family hasn't really changed, we are still "tolerated" but that's as far as it goes. The decision to procreate hasn't changed how we are viewed or judged by others. So there is definately a dichotomy in terms of how society views us (the gay parents) and how it views and treats our children. We can live with that, as long as the kids are not harassed and ostracized in their lives then so be it. This perception finally clicked a few weeks back when we approached my childhood priest about performing a blessing for the babies in the church. Mind you, we are both lapsed Christians but our intention is to expose them to traditional Christianity (and other religions) and they can arrive at their own conclusions when they are older. Anywyas, we were a bit wary of how the priest would react as he knew both of us were gay and he had a reputation as a traditional cleric. So we asked if he felt comfortable peforming this ceremony and his response was "we always welcome and accept the innocent children into the church no matter what, it's the sinful parents that we don't want around!" That attitude encapsulates what we expect to hear going forward. Sadly, change is rather slow on a social level but the good news is that we are breaking barriers and hopefully with our kid's generation the world will be more accepting...
ReplyDeleteemail: bonjourparenthood@gmail.com
Hello fellow Canadians. Very best of luck on your journey!
ReplyDeleteas someone who loves you both, let me say that I totally get how you feel in those conversations with your parents. For me, it's when I talked to them about money (dad) and men (mom). And my reaction is identical to yours, but that said it's those conversations that air on the 'negative' side that give you perspective. While I want them to be supportive all the time, it's not until after i get through the moment that I appreciate the other side to their story. And it all comes from love and concern. xo
ReplyDeleteI totally understand your feeling. First, so much does change I wrote an entire post about what it was like for me:
ReplyDeletehttp://thosetwodaddies.blogspot.com/2009/03/its-just-emotion-thats-taking-me-over.html
Second, no matter how much you tell them to the contrary, people simply do not beleive two men can take care of a baby until they see you in action. That's what it was like for us. My sisters and mother were all paranoid but calmed down once they saw we had it under control and after two weeks the baby was still breathing. Once they see how you're they'll calm down. It's normal. Also, I just found you're blog and it's great!
Enjoying your blog...my hubby and I do not have children(however we have had dogs and we have Sophie now) so feel there is some kin to understanding "how to raise"....I am blown away, in a good way, at the number of gay couples having children now...and I am so happy this is happening. We are in our 60's now and can't fathom raising a child because of age related things...I know if we were younger the prospect of having a child would be foremost.
ReplyDeletePlace your father's view in the spectrum of feelings out there...the continuum is wide and your know where you find yourselves. Whether negative or positive you know exactly what you want from this journey and as many others have voiced when the child arrives..you know it will be loved and safe.
Ron..one of Sophie's Dads!